ramblings of a rock star...

hiatus.

2009-06-09T20:58:00.003-05:00

i'm bad at blogging on here. sorry for all of you faithful readers out there.
being the case, i'm taking somewhat of a hiatus from this blog; although no worries. i will be checking all of yours, so keep them coming!

please, please, please check out my world race blog. it's updated much more frequently. and i actually talk about things that mean something. :)

http://ashleyhiggins.theworldrace.org

peace.

22 and bare.

2009-04-20T21:06:00.004-05:00

my birthday was yesterday. the big 22. i guess it's a big one? i don't really feel any different. i think i am too focused on graduation and that whole transition to even care about adding another candle to the cake.

i took down my picture wall today. it was somewhat spontaneous. i thought it might ease the pain later on if i was used to a bare wall. i'm starting to think better of the decision.

[this is what the last week of school is doing to me.]

my mind has been moving too quickly lately. i can't really seem to keep up. and when i get stressed/emotional i question things. not in a bad way, really. i just ask myself and God many questions. they don't usually get an answer, but it's somewhat comforting to know i am free to approach the throne of grace boldly nonetheless. i think when i gear up for another season of questioning the lord just smiles. it's a good thing he is more patient than i am.

on a lighter note, leash and i went to rendezvous last night in an attempt to study/write papers. little homework was accomplished although the company was enjoyed [at least on my part] and a late night wal-mart run for coffee creamer was incredibly delightful.

life.

2009-03-17T19:24:00.012-05:00

my life feels crazy. so today, in an attempt to make myself feel better, i put grace tape over my life.

my life feels crazy. so today, in an attempt to make myself feel better, i put grace tape over my life. i asked the Lord for grace. and i asked to feel it. and then i took pictures of myself. i'm not sure if it was the ridiculous pictures coupled with a little 'i will survive' with the sun shining in my room and my window wide open or if it was just divine grace. either way, i felt better as i traipsed to comm. theory class. probably the 98% on my paper helped a little bit too.

so, while i sit in class, i will post some of those ridiculous pictures for all 3 of my blog readers.

leash got in on the action with me.

grace tape. greek grace tape. thanks to krystal for this.

my life just feels upside down.

i prefer to leave the red out.

2009-03-10T18:27:00.002-05:00

white and blue. i like it better that way. i know, i know. it's a terrible attitude to have. i really do love the good 'ole U.S. of A. really, i do. but, i miss greece terribly. i feel like i belong there. i just want to be there. but, here i am. sitting in communication theory class as i write this. it's raining outside and i'm so incredibly distracted. i'm tired, jet-lagged, and spacey. and frustrated b/c my video is not uploading on facebook. what the junk.

i think i'll save the happy greece blog minus the bitterness for being back for another time. maybe i'll just put it on my world race blog. two blogs. wow.

greece. in 38 minutes.

2009-02-27T04:57:00.002-06:00

it's that time again. spring break.

i am meeting my team to head to the airport in a little over half an hour. it's been a long road to get to today. but it's here! the bags are packed. money is in the bank. passports in hand. we're ready to go. i'm so excited to be back in the city that really did capture my heart and change the way i see the world. i would appreciate your prayers as we are gone for the next 10 days. there is a lot of spiritual heaviness to ward off, and the occasional crazy down in omonia!

i'll let you know how the trip goes, although i am sure it will be awesome!

provisions.

2009-02-24T00:40:00.007-06:00

i'm learning to notice the Lord's provisions in the little things. and the big things, too. fundraising for the World Race is going well. we still have a long way to go, but the Lord has been showing Himself very, very faithful. greece in t-minus 3 days. oh my gosh! i am so, so excited. i cannot even hardly contain myself. it's really putting a damper on my productivity. but, i am willing to make that sacrifice. i'm posting a video below of my wonderful cousins. amy and i babysat them on saturday night. i've learned that allowing them to make videos of themselves is a great way to keep them occupied. ethan has also taken a liking to my good friend julie, who is out in california. so, we make her videos when i babysit. it's a win-win for all. my favorite part is when hannah, who is only 2 1/2, says "are you kiddin' me, ashley?" they are just precious. what joy they provide me. i hope you enjoy it as much as i do!

bleh.

2009-02-16T10:50:00.000-06:00

that's how i feel.

kinoki.

2009-01-31T23:39:00.006-06:00

so. abby and i have been wanting these kinoki foot pads for awhile now. tonight, we were out and about and decided to stop at walgreens to pick up said item. i had a coupon, so these beauties only cost $13.88. not too shabby of a price for our health and well-being, right? we're hoping these lovely, lavender scented wonders will cleanse of all that is not welcome and free us up to be all that we can be. if nothing else, it makes for some fun pictures for your viewing pleasure. enjoy, and no worries. i'll let you know how well they work!

abby was a big fan of the lavender scent.

ice is nice.

2009-01-26T17:23:00.002-06:00

especially when it gets me out of school. glory, hallelujah.

no tefl tonight. praying for no class tomorrow.

it would just be nice. sitting in my sweats all day. playing some skip-bo. maybe take a nap. yeah, i could handle it. i know, reality will have to take precedence sometime. but, i'm going to enjoy it while i can. and i'll thank God for answered prayers.

that's all.

ask.

2009-01-19T19:28:00.004-06:00

and ye shall receive if you have faith. matthew 21:22

i've been asking a lot of the Lord lately.
direction, wisdom, provision, strength, peace, courage, more provision.

the great thing is that the Lord is answering my prayers.
novel, i know.

and he does far more than i could ever hope or imagine. ephesians 3:20

growth is a good thing. being able to recognize that growth is a true blessing. one i have been able to take a glimpse at lately. and for that, i am truly grateful.

debrief (ing)

2009-01-03T23:52:00.002-06:00

it's going to be an ongoing process, figuring all of this out.
twms was A-mazing. i wish i was back there. not cincinatti, necessarily.

i'm very much looking forward to what is in store for me.

i really don't feel like i can put into words what i am feeling yet.
but i will. hopefully soon, for all of you. sorry.

greece in t-minus 53 days! i will probably lose my passport in the riots, just so you all know. so if i don't come back, sell my stuff and send me the money. works for me.

blessings and sweet sleep, friends.

belated merry christmas.

2008-12-27T16:15:00.002-06:00

due to my lack of internet at home i was not able to wish my blogging buddies a very merry christmas.
sorry.
but i finally found a connection to the outside world...
starbucks on a rainy day brings a great big smile to my face.

break has been great, but flying by.
reunion and fun for a few days in springfield/ozark/branson.
oklahoma with julie for a few days. so wonderful, but went way too fast.
christmas festivities with the fam.
a couple of days of nothing.
steph comes to town, although i have yet to see her yet.
and then in 3 days i will go to cincinatti for the world mission's summit!!!
and then straight back to wa-110 for a final semester.

i'm refusing to dwell on 'this is it' because i'm afraid i'll have a meltdown. even though i have somewhat of a plan, at least for the next year and a half or so after graduation, i don't do well with change. i miss the people i love entirely too much, and i like my little comfortable, evangel bubble. albeit a plan, it's a scary, and somewhat vulnerable one.

praise god for skype.

have a happy new year. make some good resolutions, friends.

i want an orange.

2008-12-12T02:26:00.003-06:00

i would so much rather be in corinth, enjoying a nice, corinthian orange than studying right now!!!
it's going to KILL me. okay, not really. i am feeling rather dramatic. i feel entitled as it is 2:23 am.
oh boy, oh boy. and also....i'm gonna need to think about this.

hmmmm...i am not in a decision making mood. which is good. no decision necessary. yet.
but, i'm not feeling very contemplative.

what?

i just need sleep.

too much coffee.

2008-12-08T01:54:00.002-06:00

i think i officially drank too much coffee today.
i think maybe around the region of 12 ish cups? that sounds about right.

12 cups of coffee
16 hours of homework
72 pages of a portfolio
3 Power Points
4 hours of sleep last night
22 geology questions
62 minutes in church
4 pieces of chicken
and 0 naps later...

my day is FINALLY over.
unfortunately, because today lasted so long, tomorrow will come quicker.

however, all numbers considered...it's good to know i have 1 big God.
and some more for you...James 1:2 says to 'count it all joy...'

and so...despite the fact that my eyelids are twitching, i can't feel my legs, my brain has imploded, and my stomach has coffee/creamer induced voids...i rejoice.

i rejoice because:
God is good.
God is BIG.
tomorrow comes.
i am blessed.
i really have it pretty great.

so, what began as an attempt to feel sorry for myself, has somehow, by the grace of God, turned into something quite different. i am not sure that has ever happened so blatantly to me before. i'll take it as a good sign.

with that, i'm off to bed.
be blessed.

the verdict is in.

2008-12-02T20:12:00.002-06:00

i. have. a lot. to. do.

it is slightly less than awesome.
but, such is life.
don't worry. i'll survive.

more to come.
stay tuned.

official. or something like it.

2008-11-25T00:12:00.002-06:00

well.
i received my acceptance letter (well, it was an e-mail) today for the world race.
259 days. that is less days than i will be abroad.
oh boy. if you are reading this i am asking for your prayers and support.
i will be getting a WR blog soon, so i will be able to keep you posted via that one.
i am so excited about this amazing opportunity the Lord has given me.
it's a little nerve-racking, sure. but, i am trusting in His faithfulness.

i'll write more later.
i should be writing a paper.
woops.

and now for a joke.
what do you call a cow with a twitch?

[beef jerky.]
bah ha ha.

signed. sealed. delivered.

2008-11-13T09:37:00.002-06:00

well, i have officially submitted by application for the world race.
now i will have to wait for my two references to be sent in and then i will set up a phone interview. after that, i'm not really sure how long anything takes, but i will keep you all updated! i have such a peace about this. it's been a good week in that arena. i'm still going to keep praying about it and just keep listening to the ushering from the Lord. i know that He is good and faithful, so i'm not too worried about making the right decision.

i think that's all for now.
love.

one step at a time.

2008-11-10T00:00:00.003-06:00

"I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

i think it's time to take a step of faith. of course, one step probably won't get me anywhere of much significance. i faithful life i guess, is what i am striving for. the Lord has always proved his faithfulness to me. i'm not sure why i struggle so much with stepping out and trusting him. probably my pride. along with a lack of faith. i just need a mustard seed.

i have not been able to shake the thought of the world race. the idea of traveling for 11 months to 11 countries to do missions work is something that is intriguing and compelling to a point that i cannot seem to get rid of it.

all of that to say. i was really wrestling with the idea of all of this the other day. it seems so unpractical and ridiculous. it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. and yet, the cause of Christ, generally speaking, is unpractical and ridculous. so, i went to church the other night and the Lord really spoke to me about stepping out in faith and no matter what just loving Him. i really felt like i should at least apply for this thing.

so, i come home and log onto the website. up in the left hand corner it says: no more excuses. the application fee is being waived for one more week. i think that's enough time to get it done. :)

i am scared beyond belief.
more excited than i have been about anything esle in a very long time.
i want to cry and jump for joy all at once.
whatever happens, i know God is in control. the task now is to go from the knowing to the believing. in that, i belive a life of faith will truly begin to take shape.

i'll keep you posted.

switching to decaf.

2008-10-22T01:30:00.002-05:00

caffeine has never effected me late at night. i had a nice cup of coffee about 9:00 tonight. and now i am wide awake. i'm not completely convinced it's the coffee's fault, however. i tend to be a thinker. i let my mind go in circles about the most nonsensical things. either way, it's 1:29 am and i am wide awake. i laid in bed bed for an hour and then decided to get up. but i have nothing to do. i suppose i could work on my geology. that would put me sleep quickly. i could read, but i'm not really in the mood. i thought about taking a hot shower. more so that when i wake up in the morning completely exhausted i won't have to worry about it. but, i am afraid that would wake up my suitemates and they are both very tired from a long trip back from tejas. what's a girl to do? maybe i will put on a sermon or some soft music? we'll see.

sitting here is not going to speed up the process any. it's only making me think more.
a lot is going on here. designed for life was incredible. i am so excited to tell you all about it. at a later date.
also, i am on a craft kick. it's bad news. i am going to drive home this weekend to get my sewing machine. this will probably result in even more of a lack in classes and a social life. but, i am okay with that.

the pink washed out of my hair rather quickly. i'm not too happy about it. i liked feeling like a rockstar. i think i might get a permanent streak put it in. would that be too crazy? we'll see.

alright. i am going to attempt to get some sleep. hopefully i can fall asleep by 2. that would still give me a solid 6 hours of sleep which i can function on...

more blogging will come soon.
love from room 110.

running.

2008-10-14T00:34:00.004-05:00

i want to hop on a plane and run. well, fly to somewhere and then run. not run away from anything, but rather into something. into something bigger than me. bigger than the little world i have allowed myself to become consumed with. a life of abandon. i think that's what it's referred to as. maybe it sounds ridiculous. i don't know. i feel like my heart is being pulled in so many different directions that i don't even know what to do with myself. i might explode. and in the midst of it all i am reminded that 'God Reigns.' i know he is in control. i just want to do something great. i want to be a world changer. not a stagnant person who sits around and talks about the "what ifs." there are just so many things that my heart is drawn to that i don't even know where to begin:

greece. international justice mission. the world race. going home. dusty feet. advertising. bosnia. croatia. teaching english. sex trafficking. orphans. young women. being involved in church. living out of a backpack. africa.

and the list just continues.
it's hard to navigate and begin to think about what i want to do when i just want to do everything.

coming home.

2008-10-13T15:41:00.005-05:00

home is where the heart is.
my heart, i think, will be at EU for a very long time.
it's a fantastically wonderful week full of fun and memory making.
i will say it was exhausting and for that reason i am glad it's over.
it's weird to think it was my last homecoming as a student. bittersweet.
i look forward to the days of reminiscing and catching up.
for now, though...i'll keep making memories and doing things worth remembering.

okay...enough of the sappy non-sense.
here's some pics:

please pray.

2008-10-07T23:29:00.002-05:00

a million different things are going on right now and i just feel like we all need to pray. if you think about it please pray for my family, specifically. they are having a really hard time right now. my youngest sister, in particular, really needs a lot of prayer and encouragement. i am doing fine, just trusting the lord. i have been incredibly encouraged by Him lately and i rest in knowing that all things work together for good to those who love him and are called according to his purposes.

thank you for your prayers.
i will update you with homecoming festivities and pictures soon.

love to all.

that place.

2008-09-24T14:17:00.003-05:00

i am in one of those places where i can feel myself changing. at least that is what i hope it is. when you finally get to a point when you are ready to listen. but even more than that...you might finally be ready to act. to trust. to step out of the boat and take a chance on believing. it's a scary and exciting adventure all rolled up into what i guess has become my life. not that i mind, really.

in the past few days i feel like i have been picked up and thrown into a refining fire. gently, mind you, because that is the way the Lord operates. it's hard though, being in this place. seeing the me that just isn't there yet. whatever any of this means anyway.

i was reading 'the shack' last night and Jesus was talking to Mack and telling him that he didn't have to have it all figured out. and he doesn't need to have himself in order. just take the little, broken, fragile pieces he does have to offer and offer them wholeheartedly. i feel like that is where i am. the beautiful thing is that i can sense the Lord telling me the same thing. i wish i had more to offer. right now, i just don't. but i am willing to give up my small, broken pieces and journey on. the thought of stepping out of the boat is a scary one. i generally prefer my security. but on the same token, it's something that excites me and gives me a desire to keep on keepin' on. it's a wild ride, this thing called life. i'm certain that i don't even know the half of it yet. i don't want to. it would ruin the surprise...or scare me out of perseverance. either way, for now i am content. i'm waiting to see what is next. waiting for direction and provision. the difference is, i suppose, that for once in my life i am actually waiting for it. i've lost the will to keep trying to do it myself. well, i am in the process of losing the will to want it my way.

it's generally better. letting God do it and all.

"For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts."

-Isaiah 55:9

revamped.

2008-09-18T11:34:00.002-05:00

i revamped my blog. i think i like it. i got the template from pyzam. i think i like it. the only bummer is that it cancels your blog feed so you have to go back through and re-enter all of those. i think it was probably worth it.

i had a little scare yesterday. i thought i was going to have to take statistics in order to graduate. but, no worries. it ended up being wrong information that was communicated to me. good thing, because i was not about to take 22 credits next semester. 19 is plenty, thank you.

cross walk chapel was good today. they announced the spring break trips again. joy came to my heart when they announced greece. a few tears even welled up. i am so excited. i should probably start a countdown!

what else is going on? i had my radio show again today. my wonderful suitemates called in. amy on numerous occasions to tell me she did not approve of my 'three in a row flashback' choices of plusone, bob carlisle, and some group singing about the devil going back to hell. i'm glad she called. and then she brought me coffee. it was a good morning. although i am still feeling the effects of a 5:30 am wake up call. no worries i didn't actually roll out of bed until 6:15. nonetheless...it was still dark out and that should be illegal!

i started reading 'the shack'. it's a really good book so far. i can hardly put it down! it's really, pretty deep though. so i probably will have to read it again. we are having a book club about it. so i am excited to get that started this weekend. i'll keep you updated on my thoughts as far as that all goes.

i think that's about all i have for now. i need to get some lunch.
love to all.

geology does not rock.

2008-09-14T16:48:00.003-05:00

this is really the only rock i care about.

call me a terrible person, but i hate geology.
i am going to get a tutor tomorrow. that's right, folks. i am a senior and i am going to get a geology tutor tomorrow morning. i want an A. and i am not willing to sacrifice it. so, i'll suck it up. arg. i do not care about rocks. at all. i don't think i ever will. and i don't care if a big asteroid is coming to destroy the earth. and i don't want to know when it is coming. blah.

in other news...
huricane ike missed us. which is good, i suppose. i was hoping for a rainy day. the wind almost took me out at church this morning. i probably looked pretty ridiculous.

i was going to go to a greek festival today, but i opted for a three hour nap instead. it was a good choice.
now, it's to the books.

be blessed this week, friends.

for julie.

2008-09-13T19:49:00.002-05:00

i am posting this video for my dear friend.
the video makes me smile just about as much as my friend does.

p.s.
i want a china baby just like this one.

let my faith arise.

2008-09-11T15:44:00.004-05:00

"I have been crucified with Christ.

It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me.

And the life I now live in the flesh

I live by faith in the Son of God,

who loved me and gave himself for me."

all the caffeine in the world.

2008-09-09T12:44:00.003-05:00

i don't know if all the caffeine in the world could wake me up these days.
i'm exhausted and it's only week 3. lord have mercy. the good news, however, that i have an overflowing supply of coffee and creamer as well as many clean mugs. thankfully, i also have friends who know when to cut me off from my supply!

i am taking a break from my 'language and culture' assignment right now. it's due this afternoon. i also have to do a gigantic self-assessment that is due tomorrow. it's probably a good thing that i am on duty tonight. maybe. i usually get distracted.

school is going well. it's spiritual emphasis week. i'm pretty excited about the service tonight. i'm praying that the Lord would do great things and continue to set revival on our hearts.

things are crazy busy, but the Lord is faithful. for the first time in a long time, i believe that. i accept it and i feel like i can live that principle out. cast your cares upon him... i think i will.

this is random and ridiculous.
i promise i will try to be better at blogging from now on.
thanks to those of you who give me something to read even when i do not return the favor, you know who you are!

and this is the new motto i shall live by.
thank you, postsecret.

counting.

2008-08-01T00:14:00.004-05:00

i am counting the days to being done with work. one week from tomorrow. praise the lord. but also, praise him for his provision...i should be thankful. i am. it's just easier to express my frustration than my gratitude. why is that?

so, i typed up some of the colorado story. my computer wouldn't upload the pictures though. it aggravated me so i gave up. sorry. there wasn't anything too exciting to tell anyways. we had a flat tire in topeka. that was about as exciting as it got. oh, and dean hit 2 homeruns. i'm still glad to be home.

i discovered a new website. postsecret.blogspot.com.
it's this guy who started this thing where people can anonymously send in a secret on a postcard. he scans it and posts them.
some of them are sad. some of them are really funny. either way, it makes me feel more connected. with something. i've felt so disconnected from anything and everyone lately. so it was good to discover this site. there are also a lot on facebook if you just look for post secret and go to any of the groups.

tried posting pictures...but it didn't work. check it out for yourself, though.

goodnight, all.

2008-07-20T20:36:00.001-05:00

i am home from colorado.
things are a changin'...
it makes me smile, though.

i am looking so forward to everything that is to come.

more on the fiasco that was colorado, including pictures soon.
promise.

work.

2008-07-06T03:47:00.002-05:00

it's 3:47 am.
i am still at pizza world.
i clocked out 2 minutes ago and am getting ready to take my uncle to the airport.
an hour to springfield.
an hour back home.
bedtime = 6:00 in the morning.

fyi...a significant amount of people are waking up at 6:00 am.
ashley is going to bedside assembly in the morning.

i can tell the Lord is doing something in my heart.
i am significantly less bitter about all of this than i would have been a few months ago. i think that realization is worth everything else of the last 12 hours.

i feel kind of funny.
i think the caffeine is kickin' in.

happy memories.

2008-06-25T22:07:00.003-05:00

"The better part of one's life consists of his friendships."
Abraham Lincoln

I had an absolutely wonderful weekend with people I love dearly.
I think I am at that "better part of life."

run from the lightning? no.

2008-06-16T00:06:00.001-05:00

i feel like i have been blogging a lot lately and i'm not sure i really ever even have anything to say.

the last few days i have really just been thinking about what is next and how God is going to use me. especially with the idea of Greece and traveling and the world all in mind. tonight I was driving home and there was a lightning storm. it was not raining or thundering out, just lightning. it ws huge and beautiful and really kind of amazing. the closer i got to home the bigger it got, but also the more beautiful. then, God dropped a revelation on me. i love it when he does that.

along with big, beautiful, powerful amazing things like the lightning comes the potential for storms. there is potential for rain, thunder, hail and the like. so, when you see the lightning storm you can choose to look at it with fear for what storms may or may not develop. or, you can embrace its beauty and keep driving until you get home. it may get bigger the further you go and with that comes the potential for bigger storms but the beauty of it all is that much greater. in the end, it's best to keep driving until you get home.

i don't really know. it makes sense to me.

also, i've been listening to a song by jason upton lately called 'run baby run.' it basically sums up how i have felt lately and how i think god probably feels about me. it's been one of those begrudgingly encouraging things for me. kind of like i know i need to hear it and i know it's the truth but i just want to do my own thing for a little while longer...i'm not ready to listen yet. one of those kinds of things.

I've been calling you to go to the city
I've been watching you every day
Now I'm paying for a one way ticket
for a ship that sails the opposite way

And you laugh and you cry
and you live and you die
cause you don't really know who you are
all alone in this world
orphan boy, orphan girl
cause you don't really know who you are

Run baby run
my hands release you
baby run baby run
just as fast as you can
run till your legs lead your heart to the real truth
youre my daughter, my son,
so run baby run baby run

Hear me laughing as you run from your calling
see me crying, see me crying in the storms that rage
one way or another, you will be going
to obey is such an easier way

greece.

2008-06-13T21:57:00.000-05:00

my heart is there.
i have been working on my photo book tonight. i also got an email from one of the students i met there. it was precious. i just wish i was there to love on her. i wish i could take her for coffee and go on a walk with her. show her how much she is worth and how precious she is to the Lord. i don't feel like prayer is enough. i want to be there. i want to go back. i looked at plane tickets again tonight. yeah right. my grandma would kill me. :)

"why, oh why do you do this to yourself? i'm thinkin somebody's hearing a calling."
text message quote from a wise friend in reference to my wanting to hop on the next plane en route to athens.

maybe i should stop fighting it. maybe i should just accept that maybe the Lord has called me there. embrace it and claim it.
i think i reserve it because it is such a huge thing and i don't know if i could ever really do that. pick up and move to the other side of the world? it's basically impossible to get a work visa for greece. i just don't know. but at the same time it for real hurts me to be here. i know it sounds kind of ridiculous but my heart yearns to be back there. my heart is broken for those people and that place. is it too big of a thing? is it so ridiculous and far-fetched to think that maybe, just maybe, God would make a way for me? i don't even know where to start.

oh goodness.

i think for now i will go eat my grandma's jello.

in a good way.

2008-06-10T23:56:00.000-05:00

i think i am starting to fall.
and that's all i have to say.

faithful.

2008-06-10T17:11:00.000-05:00

camp was wonderful.
it was refreshing and exactly what i needed. it was stretched and challenged in the best way possible. the Lord really proved his faithfulness. i suppose he really does day after day but i realized it this time. it hit me like a ton of bricks. and at the very moment those bricks of revelation hit, so much was released. i feel a million times lighter now. i feel like for the first time in a very long time i can walk in some amount of freedom. i feel like i have the freedom to love the way God has called me to. i really just feel better. i don't know how else to say it. i am in awe of the faithfulness of God. especially in the small things.

i was talking to a friend the other night and he was telling me about a bunch of great things that God is doing in his life too. it was so nice to have that conversation. i needed it right then. i needed someone to share and rejoice with me in everything that was going on. once again. faithful.

work has been okay the last few days. we were really slow today so that was kind of a bummer. but, whatev. i am sitting at gloria jean's right now. i am supposed to be working on my internship stuff. i haven't started it yet. i am such a bad procrasinator. it's awful, really.

i have the day off tomorrow. i might have to babysit. i am still waiting to hear from my aunt. we shall see. it would be kind of nice to not have to. but, i don't mind it either.

i really need to get to work. love and blessings to all.

better.

2008-06-04T07:42:00.001-05:00

i feel better today.
i appreciate the fact that the Lord draws near to embrace me even when I don't know how to hold on.

i also appreciate a few special friends who allow me to vent and get it all out, love me enough to tell me the truth and reassure me of the fact that i'm doing okay in this whole 'life' thing.

i'm leaving this afternoon to take my jr. high kids to camp. i'm really excited about it. somewhat nervous b/c i have to lead a team all by myself and do a mini-group with 10-15 girls. it's a lot of pressure (self-inflicted, of course). but i know the lord is going to do great things. i only hope he chooses to use me for part of it, so that i can be changes and effected too.

go white team!

inadequate.

2008-06-02T20:40:00.000-05:00

that's how i feel most of the time. today was one of those days when i felt particularly inadequate. by the end of work, not even Andy's and a sunny day made me feel better. to be truthful, i still don't feel much better. i guess it's not really about how i feel though. there are more important things to worry about. i really do hate it when i get like this. my feelings come out as anger and bitterness which makes me feel even more inadequate and like i don't measure up to anyone. it's just a big, vicious cycle. it's ridiculous. i'm not really sure where it all stems from. i suppose a lot of it is because i am too hard on myself sometimes. well, most of the time. ahhhh...i don't really even know.

i want to cry and scream all at the same time.
i want certain people to stay out of my life forever and at the same time i would embrace them if they came back.
i want to be a million miles away from here and in my own bed too.
i really have no idea what i want, apparently.

i just want to be better. i want to be a better person. i want to be more like jesus. i want to fulfill the call he has on my life and accomplish the things that i have in my heart. but it's days like these when all i can think about is all of the reasons why none of that will never happen and why i am not good enough to be the person i want to be. i mess up too much. i fall short too often.

this is depressing. i need to go have some jesus time or something. i'm not in the mood right now. that usually means i need it more than ever! i think maybe i will. i need to get out of this funk before wednesday. i just need jesus to intervene and change me. i know he wil. i guess i have to just be patient. that whole, going through the valley thing, i suppose.

i think that is enough rambling for tonight.
peace out.

meaning.

2008-05-31T11:26:00.000-05:00

thanks to my dear friend julie and her ability to be a mastet at google-ing i now feel as though there is actually meaning to my name, and in some weird sort of way, me. ridiculous, i know. humor me...

...So not only is Ashley derived from "ash tree", but the two Hebrew words "Esh" meaning fire and "Li" meaning mine. So you are "My fire". Now, as I found, the ash tree.

Ash Tree. Is., xliv, 14 (A. V. for Heb., 'oren; D. V. "pine") depicts a planted tree, watered only by rain, whose wood is suitable to be carved into images and useful as fuel (Isaiah 44:15). Probably the tree intended is Pinus pinea, the maritime or stone pine, rather than the ash, as the various species of Fraxinus grow only in the mountains of Syria, outside Palestine.

Now, as we both know, an ash is the residue that remains when something is burned, and we also know now that the ash tree had a very strong elastic wood. Such ash contains the minerals essential to the maintenance of life.

Soooooo... what does this all mean?

I believe, my dear, that you take away from this that He is most gracious to you. You have a very strong exterior which is fantastic, yet where the enemy means to carve His image into you (Isaiah 44.15), you can rest assured that God is instead carving out the image of Himself. You contain His fire, and as you allow Him to put His fire to you, you will provide healing and nurture to those around you...

in other news...
summer is still going well. i have been working a lot and babysitting. no complaints on this end. i'm just trying to be be utterly and completely exhausted. i need to catch up on rest before wednesday. i'm taking my 6.8 kids to james river camp. i am so excited! a little bit nervous for the responsibility, but i am trusting God to do a great work in the lives of these kids. some family and probably precious alesha are coming to visit at the end of june so that will be really nice too.

i'm content. today is a content day. i need to shower and get ready for my life. at some point i need to work on internship stuff. go to springfield for activities with the ab-ster later. church tomorrow. birthday party for cousin ethan...which reminds me...i need a present for that, too. and then...maybe i can relax. chill out. take a nap. that's the good life.

blessings to all.

update...

2008-05-20T00:22:00.000-05:00

i never cease to be amazed at what the people in my life do.
good and bad. i'm always stunned.

more on that later....

the name ashley does not mean anything cool. "ash tree meadow" awesome.
however, i discovered that janell means "God is gracious"

so very true. maybe i should go by that?
so ironic. i've been learning about grace a lot lately. funny how that all works out. maybe God is trying to teach me something?

happy summer. i have sunburned legs and cankles. cankles b/c my legs are sunburned i guess. it made them all swollen.
i look like a freak-o.

kansas was good. minus the getting sunburned part...i had a great time.

what else? skype and ichat are saving my life.
thanks to those of you who have joined me on that journey.

i'm less bored nowadays. i've been working and doing my internship. the internship i need to work on more, for sure. better get with that...i had intended to go to bed early tonight. it's 12:30. that is going to make tomorrow a LONG day.

i'm off.
blessings to all.

boredom...

2008-05-07T13:22:00.001-05:00

i'm bored.
i'm sitting at home. in the basement. not unpacking the last few things of mine or wanting to pick up all of my clothes that i threw on my floor. i'm connected to the world wide web officially. woo woo. what a blessing wireless internet is. praise the lord. i watched the office from my bed this morning. it was wonderful. then i took a nap. now i am awake. just figured out that if i get all A's next semester i would only have a 3.73 for honors at graduation. you have to have a 3.75 to graduate magna. i'm thinking about re-taking psychology. i took it my freshman year and did not do well. if i could replace that grade with an A next semester i would have a 3.8. i know, i'm a nerd. is another class worth that extra star in the program when probably no one will even notice? yes, yes i think it is. we shall see.

my uncle called today and needs me to start working tomorrow which is really good b/c i wasn't supposed to start for another 2 or 3 weeks. it's a two-fold blessing, really. i will have something to do and i will start making money. that's a good thing.

i went to springfield last night for my 6.8 (Junior High) lifegroup. it was good, as always. i was getting ready to leave and i couldn't find my keys. i went outside and there they were...stuck in the ignition. my car wasn't on, good thing. and of course, like a good little, cautious girl, i locked my doors. awesome. so we had to call 'Sir Lock-a-Lot' or something ridiculous like that. i've decided that the locksmith business is a good one to go into. $35 for every 2 minutes. that's some serious, cold, hard, cash. i guess i probably wouldn't need to retake psychology to earn that extra star if i'm just going to open car doors. i'll have to weigh the pros and cons. maybe make a list.

i miss my friends. a lot. i did get to see abby last night so that was nice. she was on duty so i went back to school to see her. 2 days away was not enough yet. but i love her, so i went anyway.

julie introduced me to dreamcenterradio.com i love it. i feel like i am being cultured and informed. it's nice.

i probably should start my internship journal and not put it off forever. we will see. i might get motivated and clean my room. if it wasn't raining out i would sit outside and read a book. but, alas. maybe i will make some tea and read anyway. it's just not the same chilling in my room by myself. i like the comfort of knowing there are people close to me...but that's what summer and graduation and all of that brings...separation. oklahoma, michigan, hawaii, california, ohio...all of my best friends are all over the country. all differnt time zones. we all have our own lives apart from each other. i don't like to think about it. i want everyone to be together and happy forever. mr. dana said i should start a cult. i'm thinking about it. a happy, jesus-loving cult. hmmmm....

call me. chat with me. text me. e-mail me.

c'mon people...i'm dyin' here.
tomorrow will be better. and august will come soon.

i hope.

reality.

2008-05-01T16:53:00.000-05:00

one year from today i will be a college graduate.
for some reason today that is a really scary thought. the courage and confidence i have been working to muster up for the last three years is gone. seeing all of the graduates in their caps and gowns, cars being packed up, and proud families meandering around campus has for some reason really affected me today. i don't like feeling this way. i hate goodbyes. i want everyone to live together and be one big, happy family. but, no. life must go on.

so, here i go...one foot in front of the other. slowly but surely. keep on keepin' on i suppose.

summer, here i come.

i'm praying that the Lord would be near to my heart. i need him to be.
happy graduation/summer.

love you all.

small things.

2008-04-27T17:06:00.000-05:00

so, it's the small things that God does for me that really make me smile on the inside.

The Lord GOD has given Me the tongue of disciples,
That I may know how to sustain the weary one with a word
He awakens Me morning by morning,
He awakens My ear to listen as a disciple.
Isaiah 50:4

this verse came to me last week at about 3:00 in the morning. i really do believe that is part of what God has called me to. part of my eternal purpose. so, i'm accpeting it, claiming it, and embracing it.

today was a long day. it's been a good day but i have a lot of things on my mind and my heart is just kind of heavy. so, i'm sitting at a coffee shop and i was grabbing for some cash when an old fortune cookie fortune came out.

"a kind word will keep someone warm for years"

i'm not a superstious person by any means. but i smiled. it was a nice little reminder from the Lord that there is more to all of this than my hum-drum whatever. there is a purpose to all that extends farther than i can even begin to imagine. and that, that's worth going forward.

motivation.

2008-04-08T23:39:00.000-05:00

i don't have any.

it's 11:33 pm. i've done very little homework. i have a project that i have yet to finish. i haven't even put a very big dent in it. oh my gosh. i just do not have the energy to do anything. i don't feel well. i want sleep. one hour and twenty six minutes left until i can lay my head on my pillow. i was going to do laundry tonight...was going to. now i am not.

oh, this is not good. i have got to do something with my life.

happy news! my jayhawks won the championship. it was a great game and well worth a sore throat for a few days. i think i entertained a few people along with the great game. it was wonderful and amazing. rock chalk!

blah. only two minutes have passed. speaking of things passing. i think i might pass out. arg. not really, though.
am i even making any sense at all? no.

happy birthday to my one and only faithful reader. well, the only one i know of. i suppose i could have some secret admirers out there...or some crazy, creepo stalkers. either way...it's amy's birthday. feliz cumpleanos, friend.

i guess that's about all i have to talk about for now. i hope you haven't lost more than a few iq points from reading this.

rock chalk.

2008-04-05T23:39:00.000-05:00

i bleed crimson and blue.

i like mustard.

2008-04-01T12:00:00.000-05:00

And He said to them, "Because of the littleness of your faith; for truly I say to you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you.
Matthew 17:20

Lately, I have been wondering why in the world I don't tap into the power that God has presented me with. Faith. I suppose that is what it is. I lack it most times. I came across this video and I was so challenged. The power of God is so great and we use do little of it. I'm not really sure why. I'm kind of sick of sitting back and hearing about all of the amazing things that God is doing and not having stories of my own to tell. I want more faith. Jesus says that the smallest of faith can move mountains. I want that kind of faith. How small mine must be if it's being compared to a mustard seed. I like mustard. I want more faith. More of Jesus all around. God is doing things in my life. He is changing who I am. I can see it everyday. I wish it was just a push of a button and I could just be better in a matter of seconds. Unfortunately, it's this whole life-long journey thing. I guess I should learn to deal with it.

The cry of my heart is to serve the Lord on a daily basis in whatever ways I can. I want to make small impacts on eternity everyday. I want to see lost people come to know God in an amazing way that changes other people too. I want the very essence of who I am to so reflect and exude Jesus that I look different to people. I want Jesus to draw people to Himself through me. It's going to happen. I will get there. Not of my own accord or on my own schedule. But God is doing a work. I am faithful that He will continue it until the great day of completion. Amen for that.

sleep.

2008-03-25T16:00:00.000-05:00

i need more.
that's all, really.

rain boots and jesus.

2008-03-18T23:52:00.000-05:00

i got to wear my new rainboots today. it was a perfect day for them seeing as it was raining. it's been raining a lot. we are under all kinds of flood warnings and nonsense.

lately i feel close to jesus. i like that feeling and i don't want to lose it.

also, i think my hand is broken. it hurts a lot and is it not getting better. i might chop it off.
that's all.

simple beauty.

2008-03-15T16:13:00.000-05:00

i'm trying to look for the simple beauties in life. to be joyful even when i don't feel like it. i also feel like there is a certain simple beauty in recognizing the reverence of God. in seeing things from an eternal perspective and recognizing that i am not my own. it's refreshing to understand that this world is bigger than i make it and that there is an eternity for me to look forward to. in the meantime, i will enjoy my days and rejoice in the small things. that's all really.

i've been home from greece for a week now. i already want to go back. well, i never wanted to leave. i'm trying to not be bitter about it. it's starting to get better. i will post pictures soon.

Human Behavior in Organizations

2008-02-27T19:53:00.000-06:00

Ashley: "I have't even started studying for my HBO test."
Abby: "Just remember sluts in hoochie skirts. HBO."

It's been long week. I'm officially immune to caffeine.

Dusty Feet

2008-02-25T19:09:00.000-06:00

God is so good.
He always opens up the right door exactly when it needs to be opened. Things happen so effortlessly when I trust Him and allow Him to work in me and through me. Oh man.

I just got offered an internship postion at Dusty Feet. It's a non-profit organization that was formed by an Evangel alum. It's still really small. They are working in Africa with different groups of people mostly sex trade victims, child soldiers, and stree children. It's an amazing opportunity and I feel so blessed to have it. I'm ecstatic right now. I know that great things are going to happen as a result of this organization and I am delighted and honored to get to be a part of it.

You can check them out at www.dustyfeetonline.com

I'm going to Greece in 3 days...get excited.

2008-02-13T23:52:00.000-06:00

it's wednesday, february 13 at 11:48 pm.
tomorrow is valentine's day. every year i get myself all pumped up and convinced that i am not going to let the pink and red explosion or the googley-eyed couples, the chocolate filled hearts and teddy bears get to me. and every year, without fail, they do. i guess it is probably more than the trival things that bother me. it goes much deeper than that. i would really like to be the girl that gets flowers, but instead, i have been deemed "deliverer." i know it sounds pathetic and lame but it really is a very hard day for me. maybe because i am such a hopeless romantic to begin with. i don't know. and really, i am not a cynical, i hate this day kind of person. however, my heart longs for what i see all around me (and more than glorified on 2-14) and it makes me sad. being upset, i tend to just be a sarcastic, hard person.

seven more minutes...

i need to go to bed. i just wrote a book review on "the great divorce." i am really not happy with it at all. i have felt lost from the beginning of this paper. the professor never told us what exactly she wanted. she just said to write a book review. what does that mean? elaborate, por favor. i guess we will see how i favor in the grading process. if it's not well, she and i will be having words, you can count on it. :)

what else is new? my best friend moved far away, but i think i am going to go see her for easter break. i miss her very much already. i hate separation. i hate change. and yet, i feel so discontented and just want to get away. i don't understand. i don't understand myself at all.

i guess that's all for now.
happy valentine's day. (and yes, i did roll my eyes as i typed that)

12:01 am

the heart of life...

2008-02-09T20:32:00.000-06:00

I hate to see you cry
Laying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears and listen

Pain throws you heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way, it should
But I know the heart of life is good

You know it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
But then the circle of your firends
Will defend the silver lining

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way, it should
But I know the heart of life is good

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good

I know it's good

John Mayer