that place.

i am in one of those places where i can feel myself changing. at least that is what i hope it is. when you finally get to a point when you are ready to listen. but even more than that...you might finally be ready to act. to trust. to step out of the boat and take a chance on believing. it's a scary and exciting adventure all rolled up into what i guess has become my life. not that i mind, really.

in the past few days i feel like i have been picked up and thrown into a refining fire. gently, mind you, because that is the way the Lord operates. it's hard though, being in this place. seeing the me that just isn't there yet. whatever any of this means anyway.

i was reading 'the shack' last night and Jesus was talking to Mack and telling him that he didn't have to have it all figured out. and he doesn't need to have himself in order. just take the little, broken, fragile pieces he does have to offer and offer them wholeheartedly. i feel like that is where i am. the beautiful thing is that i can sense the Lord telling me the same thing. i wish i had more to offer. right now, i just don't. but i am willing to give up my small, broken pieces and journey on. the thought of stepping out of the boat is a scary one. i generally prefer my security. but on the same token, it's something that excites me and gives me a desire to keep on keepin' on. it's a wild ride, this thing called life. i'm certain that i don't even know the half of it yet. i don't want to. it would ruin the surprise...or scare me out of perseverance. either way, for now i am content. i'm waiting to see what is next. waiting for direction and provision. the difference is, i suppose, that for once in my life i am actually waiting for it. i've lost the will to keep trying to do it myself. well, i am in the process of losing the will to want it my way.

it's generally better. letting God do it and all.

"For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts."

-Isaiah 55:9