happy memories.

"The better part of one's life consists of his friendships."
Abraham Lincoln



I had an absolutely wonderful weekend with people I love dearly.
I think I am at that "better part of life."

run from the lightning? no.

i feel like i have been blogging a lot lately and i'm not sure i really ever even have anything to say.

the last few days i have really just been thinking about what is next and how God is going to use me. especially with the idea of Greece and traveling and the world all in mind. tonight I was driving home and there was a lightning storm. it was not raining or thundering out, just lightning. it ws huge and beautiful and really kind of amazing. the closer i got to home the bigger it got, but also the more beautiful. then, God dropped a revelation on me. i love it when he does that.

along with big, beautiful, powerful amazing things like the lightning comes the potential for storms. there is potential for rain, thunder, hail and the like. so, when you see the lightning storm you can choose to look at it with fear for what storms may or may not develop. or, you can embrace its beauty and keep driving until you get home. it may get bigger the further you go and with that comes the potential for bigger storms but the beauty of it all is that much greater. in the end, it's best to keep driving until you get home.

i don't really know. it makes sense to me.


also, i've been listening to a song by jason upton lately called 'run baby run.' it basically sums up how i have felt lately and how i think god probably feels about me. it's been one of those begrudgingly encouraging things for me. kind of like i know i need to hear it and i know it's the truth but i just want to do my own thing for a little while longer...i'm not ready to listen yet. one of those kinds of things.

I've been calling you to go to the city
I've been watching you every day
Now I'm paying for a one way ticket
for a ship that sails the opposite way

And you laugh and you cry
and you live and you die
cause you don't really know who you are
all alone in this world
orphan boy, orphan girl
cause you don't really know who you are

Run baby run
my hands release you
baby run baby run
just as fast as you can
run till your legs lead your heart to the real truth
youre my daughter, my son,
so run baby run baby run

Hear me laughing as you run from your calling
see me crying, see me crying in the storms that rage
one way or another, you will be going
to obey is such an easier way

greece.

my heart is there.
i have been working on my photo book tonight. i also got an email from one of the students i met there. it was precious. i just wish i was there to love on her. i wish i could take her for coffee and go on a walk with her. show her how much she is worth and how precious she is to the Lord. i don't feel like prayer is enough. i want to be there. i want to go back. i looked at plane tickets again tonight. yeah right. my grandma would kill me. :)

"why, oh why do you do this to yourself? i'm thinkin somebody's hearing a calling."
text message quote from a wise friend in reference to my wanting to hop on the next plane en route to athens.

maybe i should stop fighting it. maybe i should just accept that maybe the Lord has called me there. embrace it and claim it.
i think i reserve it because it is such a huge thing and i don't know if i could ever really do that. pick up and move to the other side of the world? it's basically impossible to get a work visa for greece. i just don't know. but at the same time it for real hurts me to be here. i know it sounds kind of ridiculous but my heart yearns to be back there. my heart is broken for those people and that place. is it too big of a thing? is it so ridiculous and far-fetched to think that maybe, just maybe, God would make a way for me? i don't even know where to start.

oh goodness.

i think for now i will go eat my grandma's jello.

in a good way.

i think i am starting to fall.
and that's all i have to say.

faithful.

camp was wonderful.
it was refreshing and exactly what i needed. it was stretched and challenged in the best way possible. the Lord really proved his faithfulness. i suppose he really does day after day but i realized it this time. it hit me like a ton of bricks. and at the very moment those bricks of revelation hit, so much was released. i feel a million times lighter now. i feel like for the first time in a very long time i can walk in some amount of freedom. i feel like i have the freedom to love the way God has called me to. i really just feel better. i don't know how else to say it. i am in awe of the faithfulness of God. especially in the small things.

i was talking to a friend the other night and he was telling me about a bunch of great things that God is doing in his life too. it was so nice to have that conversation. i needed it right then. i needed someone to share and rejoice with me in everything that was going on. once again. faithful.

work has been okay the last few days. we were really slow today so that was kind of a bummer. but, whatev. i am sitting at gloria jean's right now. i am supposed to be working on my internship stuff. i haven't started it yet. i am such a bad procrasinator. it's awful, really.

i have the day off tomorrow. i might have to babysit. i am still waiting to hear from my aunt. we shall see. it would be kind of nice to not have to. but, i don't mind it either.

i really need to get to work. love and blessings to all.

better.

i feel better today.
i appreciate the fact that the Lord draws near to embrace me even when I don't know how to hold on.

i also appreciate a few special friends who allow me to vent and get it all out, love me enough to tell me the truth and reassure me of the fact that i'm doing okay in this whole 'life' thing.

i'm leaving this afternoon to take my jr. high kids to camp. i'm really excited about it. somewhat nervous b/c i have to lead a team all by myself and do a mini-group with 10-15 girls. it's a lot of pressure (self-inflicted, of course). but i know the lord is going to do great things. i only hope he chooses to use me for part of it, so that i can be changes and effected too.

go white team!

inadequate.

that's how i feel most of the time. today was one of those days when i felt particularly inadequate. by the end of work, not even Andy's and a sunny day made me feel better. to be truthful, i still don't feel much better. i guess it's not really about how i feel though. there are more important things to worry about. i really do hate it when i get like this. my feelings come out as anger and bitterness which makes me feel even more inadequate and like i don't measure up to anyone. it's just a big, vicious cycle. it's ridiculous. i'm not really sure where it all stems from. i suppose a lot of it is because i am too hard on myself sometimes. well, most of the time. ahhhh...i don't really even know.

i want to cry and scream all at the same time.
i want certain people to stay out of my life forever and at the same time i would embrace them if they came back.
i want to be a million miles away from here and in my own bed too.
i really have no idea what i want, apparently.

i just want to be better. i want to be a better person. i want to be more like jesus. i want to fulfill the call he has on my life and accomplish the things that i have in my heart. but it's days like these when all i can think about is all of the reasons why none of that will never happen and why i am not good enough to be the person i want to be. i mess up too much. i fall short too often.

this is depressing. i need to go have some jesus time or something. i'm not in the mood right now. that usually means i need it more than ever! i think maybe i will. i need to get out of this funk before wednesday. i just need jesus to intervene and change me. i know he wil. i guess i have to just be patient. that whole, going through the valley thing, i suppose.

i think that is enough rambling for tonight.
peace out.