inadequate.

that's how i feel most of the time. today was one of those days when i felt particularly inadequate. by the end of work, not even Andy's and a sunny day made me feel better. to be truthful, i still don't feel much better. i guess it's not really about how i feel though. there are more important things to worry about. i really do hate it when i get like this. my feelings come out as anger and bitterness which makes me feel even more inadequate and like i don't measure up to anyone. it's just a big, vicious cycle. it's ridiculous. i'm not really sure where it all stems from. i suppose a lot of it is because i am too hard on myself sometimes. well, most of the time. ahhhh...i don't really even know.

i want to cry and scream all at the same time.
i want certain people to stay out of my life forever and at the same time i would embrace them if they came back.
i want to be a million miles away from here and in my own bed too.
i really have no idea what i want, apparently.

i just want to be better. i want to be a better person. i want to be more like jesus. i want to fulfill the call he has on my life and accomplish the things that i have in my heart. but it's days like these when all i can think about is all of the reasons why none of that will never happen and why i am not good enough to be the person i want to be. i mess up too much. i fall short too often.

this is depressing. i need to go have some jesus time or something. i'm not in the mood right now. that usually means i need it more than ever! i think maybe i will. i need to get out of this funk before wednesday. i just need jesus to intervene and change me. i know he wil. i guess i have to just be patient. that whole, going through the valley thing, i suppose.

i think that is enough rambling for tonight.
peace out.